I don't look back, but...

I'm not the kind of person who turns back, and I think that's good because he's not the kind of person who miss.

I thought it was some kind of weird love, but yeah, I was just an stupid teenager, well, I must correct myself and say I'm stupid.

I can't blame the age because I still can't find anything that would have made me realize what was happening.

I never saw that coming, it took me as a surprise, a big and hurtful surprise.

And we must consider the fact that I also tend to trust too much. I am good with the people, and for that, I expect people to be good to me, but that is not a certain truth.

I surely blame her more than I blame him. And I'll explain you why...

She knew. 

Excluding the fact that I yet can't believe it was her to tell me and not him.

But since the beginning, he just let things happen, so I was also responsable for everything. But she, she was just there making things happen, if it was not for her, I wouldn't have any story with him right now.

You know what was the biggest problem?

Everything was perfect, it was all like those girly Italian movies, with this sexy romantic boy.

I had no excuse to forget him when that surprise came to me.

I trust on her like I've never trust before, she was an awesome friend, almost every story I have of that awesome year of my life are with them, so after the surprise, I remained with almost nothing.

It was such a beautiful day, I was driving to pick up my grandmother's birthday cake when she told me: "I need to talk to you"

I trust her in such a level that nothing bad pass thru my mind. 

I parked, paid the cake, and stayed in the car, I answered the Skype call and I immediately realized something was so wrong.

She had this face, looks like the face you put when make a prank in school and the teacher catch you. It's that face of "shit!"

So I asked her: "Is there something wrong?"

She said: "me and him, we are together"

She said a lot of things after that but I swear, I didn't listen.

My brain was not able to work at that moment, at that moment I understood the expression "heartbroken" because I literally fell pieces of my heart falling down.

We talked a lot after that, I said it was okay, and we can still be friends.

It took me two weeks to stop crying and go out of my room.

That was one year ago, and yet, it still hurts.

I don't like to go back, but this, this remains with me, this pain.

The unsaid.

If you knew this would be your last day, who would you call, and what would you say? 

You would say a lot of things, I bet.

But, why don't you do it now? 

Why don't you call that person and say everything you feel?

Why are you counting on something so unpredictable like a tomorrow?

Well, let me tell you, if I could choose, my last words would be to my mother, that super woman that bring me to this world 19 years ago, but most important, that super woman who was by my side in every step of my life, even if, most of those years, I didn't notice her.

Because now I realize, she knows more about me than I know about her.

She did more for me, than I did for her.

And that's so totally unfair.

My whole life I tried to make her proud, and I felt like nothing was good enough; but I was just looking in the wrong direction.

She was proud. In the end, she just want me to be happy.

I was trying to make her happy and proud everyday, not realizing the true happiness in her eyes when I smile.

I would like to have the courage to call her randomly and say: "I just called to tell you i love you"

I try, almost everyday, but I fail, I end up telling her stupid stories about my life.

My life has been easier since I made the decision of telling her every minute about my day. She knows everything about me and I think she doesn't even realize it.

I would tell her I love her, I love her so much I would give my life for her. I love the way she tells me things, I love the way she smiles, I love the way she jokes, the way she randomly decides to go traveling, I love everything about her. 

And I hate the wall I made between us all my life.

And I am trying so hard to put it down. To destroy it. And take out every possibility of making a new one in the future.

I would tell her I'm sorry, because I am so sorry for so many things, I am sorry for every single second she was not completely happy and proud of me.

I know I could have done better, way better. She deserves the best. And more.

I lived waiting for the day I could hear her saying: "I am proud of you"

But that's wrong, just knowing she is happy, just knowing her mind is quiet and in peace, that's just enough for me. That feeling is the one that makes it all worth it. 

The way she hugs me giving me her soul, trying so hard to letting me go and not making me realize that she is loosing a part of her.

I miss her, I think about her alway.

I think what would she say or do if she was watching what I do. 

I would her to hear me speaking Chinese, I would love to see her face watching me doing a cheerleading presentation. Her face full of panic, praying that I don't fall.

She makes me feel needed, loved.

But she will see. I was try to make her see everything, even if she doesn't want. When I show her things about my life I take her eyes as an approval or a rejection.

And when I see the approval look, that completely enough for me.

I would like to give her flowers everyday because I know how much she likes them, I will give her flowers everyday. 

I'll buy her those expensive chocolates that she loves on special dates. I sit and drink beer with her in those hot days, even if I hate beer.

I'll go out with her more often. Because she deserves my best years. She deserves my time.

I'll do so many things from now on, because just now I realize she has been doing so many things for me.