I love the boy I hate.

I Love the boy I hate, or maybe I just hate the boy I love, who knows, but anyways, who cares. 

 I come from a little Caribbean island, and I'm just here sitting on my bed in Taiwan, and 10 minutes ago I was talking with this boy, and at some point, I just stopped talking, and I stared at him… and I realized, I hate him, but at the same time, he's the boy I've loved for my entire life, so, how to define that?
Am I crazy? How can I not control my feelings?
And I wonder, Does someone in the world has ever felt like I feel right now?
Or maybe I'm just an emotionless who once found a boy that could make me feel.
Or just a hopeless romantic who lost every feeling of love when this boy appeared…
But wait, He never appeared, Since I can remember, He was always there, My whole life, we were always together.
But what if I just got used to his presence, What if it's not real love?
But, It's that even possible? Of course I love him.
If I have ever have the doubt about what I feel for him I just have to remember my whole life, every single moment with him, every single smile, every single crazy idea, every single look…
Of course I love him, He could have asked for the world, and I'll have given it to him.
But, It's not the same now, but, why?
why I feel such a weird love? I tell him every time I see him that I don't want him in my life, that I'm tired of his lies, But in every place I go, the first face I'll always look for is his.
I don't understand myself, and of course I can't describe it.
But how to get help from someone if I'm not even understanding all this? Am I that stupid? How? Why?
He complains every time we talk that I'm so mean, and I Say a lot of mean and bad stuff to him, But they're all true, that's the worst part, And yeah, also, I am mean. But he's the author of my cold heart. I'm his masterpiece, His mayor creation, His best seller. So, Why he keeps complaining? If It's the truth that I'm always saying? Maybe the truth hurts him, But maybe he also likes to hear it.
Because that's how our relationship works, we can't even define what we are, but of course since there are feelings attached or ever felt, It's more than a friendship.
But now It's different, we are big now, And so we talked about it, hopelessly trying to get an answer of what we've been living these past couple of years, and by couple of years I mean our entire lives.
From now on I think we are nothing more that two persons with a big story, ruined by a big mistake, and attached by a familiar friendship.
And yes, He was right, every time I talk to his parent and they ask me about him, I'll very politely say: "Everything good, like always" And that'll be the most fake smile I'll have.
But, he asked me something, He said: "When you come back, in about 10 months, I want you to look me in the eyes and tell me you don't want me in your life anymore, If you do that, looking me in the eyes, without hesitate, I'll disappear from you life for ever".
I said: "Okay, deal."
And that was the exact moment I realized, I love him. yep, I still do.
Exactly the same way I stupidly loved him 10 years ago.
And I'm truly afraid, He'll always be my weakness.