How to know if I'm strong.

So maybe when you read the tittle you think it's about something physical, but no, I think my muscles are okay by now, this is about my psychological strength, and is a serious topic.

At least for me it is.

6 months ago I thought: "1 year, I go to this country that I don't know anything about, I learn Chinese, finish, easy and fast".

I've never been so wrong in my life.

Now, first of all, you may think: "what were you thinking? It's Chinese, of course it's difficult"

But let me tell you, that's not my biggest problem.

Chinese is actually easier than I expect.

My problem it's a lot of small problems together that make a huge problem and chinese, in fact, it's the main problem, but not Chinese itself, but the way I learn it.

I am normally a happy girl, I'm always trying to look the positive way of everything, and now I can tell I'm in the kind of mood that I completely understand why there's so many crazy people in this world.

There's a war in my mind, a big one.

The solution is easy, a US$2,000 flight to Dominican Republic.

But, what about my friends? What about my cheerleading team? What about my grades? My goals? What about this guy that seems to be my spark of happiness here?

It is wrong to go like that, with incomplete stuff, it is right to go when my time to go comes.

But in the meanwhile, it's a hard time for me.

Some days, I just want to say: "fuck you" repeatedly, go to my room, take my passport, no bags, taki, airport, go home.

I swear my mind just refuse to accept the fact that I have my days scheduled, that I know exactly what I'm doing everyday, that everyday is the same, and that I can't do anything about it.

I swear I can't keep eating the same food, seeing the same people, doing the same stuff, walking the same street...

I feel I was born for more.

I have a dream to reach, goals to complete, people expecting things from me, but what if this is totally not what I want in my life?

I'm depressed.

And I swear, those reasons to keep going are more important, I'm doing everything to relax my mind.

I'm doing everything to make the days go faster.

179 days left... 

I can do it. Or at least I convince myself about that every morning when the alarm sounds and I open my eyes in the same small college room.

But you know what, one day this will be all worth it, and that's what makes me keep going.