I said no. Again.

Sometimes it gets really difficult to say no.

Specially something you do want, but you know it's wrong.

So it becomes a war between your heart and you mind.

And at that moment, you wish you could love more rationally and think more emotionally.

But you can't.

You must decide, you must be sure, you can't stay gray forever. You have to go black, or you have to go white.

And in my case, saying "yes" was going black.

So I went white.

I wanted to go black, but the right and rational thing was to go white, so I went white, and I thought that was it, I thought I would just get over it. 

And even with this cold heart of mine I felt pain, I felt pain for not going for what I wanted. But pain made it easier to get over it.

Every time I felt weak, and my feelings were winning, I just started counting the tears. And then it was alright, I was more rational.

But what happens when you have to make that decision again?

When you don't know if life is giving you an oportunity or just proving you.

Well, I was there, hearing him talking, and I was thinking, I could say yes, I could be 'happy' again, and then I remembered I was not happy with him. 

But I still have something inside my heart for him. So, it was difficult, but I went white again.

And, it felt weird.

It felt like when you do the right thing but the right thing was not what you wanted, and it felt like that because it was exactly that.

But I was doing good, I was happy, I was enjoying my last times in this country, and then boom, he told me he had to talk to me, but did I want to?

Of course I was curious, but talking to him would be like I'm still interested of what he has to say, and I'm not. At all.

I don't care what he has to say, because he's just words, and I don't believe in words, because words mean nothing, and whatever he had to say, wouldn't make a difference on my decision.

I said no.

I told him that I don't want to talk to him, so why is he making it more difficult, why he kept talking to me?

That's not fair. But life's not fair.

And it's all consequences of my decision of being with him in the first place.

So I can't blame that on him.

So I guess it is fair.

You know what's the problem with being cold hearted? That when we get into something, we're really into that. But people don't know that, they just see us as emotionless people who like to have fun.

We do feel.

And when we feel, we truly feel.

We don't know anything about superficial emotions.

And we cry.

And we get sad.

And he made me sad.

And I love to write but I can't print my disappointment on my blog.

Everybody always judge cold people, that they're bitchy, that they don't feel, etc

But nobody really cares about why we are like this, and, if there is something to do to fix it.

Love can fix anything, right?

I like to believe that, and if it's a cruel lie of this world, then let me live deceived.