I declare myself not ready.

I am 20 years old,

And I am not ready to adult.

You know, when I was a kid, my vision for an adult, and I blame my parents for that, was just persons that were ready for everything.

They were adults, they were my parents, they were always ready, always organized, always on time, always charming....

They were never afraid, at least they never showed it.

They always knew what to say, how to dress, what color would look good on the new sofa...

I don't know shit man...

I had a hard time discovering what I want to study on the university, and I'm still not sure about that one.

I never know how to dress, and I call my mom for every little shit out of the normal.

I don't feel ready. Don't make an adult.

I mean, I'm scared of a lot of things.

Like, seriously, if a kid comes and tells me she/he is scared because she/he thinks something is under the bed, I'll probably run under the sheets with them and use a teddy bear as a protection.

I've made mistakes, and I have less regrets than I should.

I feel happy, oh well, I think.

I don't even know what happiness is anymore.

Sometimes you think you have a truly moment of happiness and then comes life to ruin your moment.

I'm not ready to drink coffee.

I'm not ready to sleep less. Hell no, I'm a panda and I'm happy like that.

I'm seriously not ready to cook for myself everyday. Or go to boring social events and pretend I like it.

I'm not even ready to tell that boy that I like him, and I don't even know what I feel anymore.

I can't understand myself lately.

I just feel I don't belong here anymore.

And by here I mean, Taiwan, or the world, or home, or, wait, what is home anyways?

Home... In any definition of "home" I'll have a lot of options. So let's say, where my mom is. 

I miss her... 

I think I'm going crazy.

This is not me here. I'm not "me" anymore and I don't even know who I was before.

Here I am no one and by no one I mean I can be everything.

Like whoever I want.

I hope you get my point.

It's difficult to explain, I don't really have a lot of people to talk to.

There's a lot of people I miss, there's a lot of people I'll miss, and there's a lot of people that I'll definitely not even think about after I'm gone.

So what's the point?

All this adult thing... I'm not ready for it.

I am scared.

I am scared of life.

Of my life.

Of what I choosed to be my life.