I almost went away

Have you ever tried to go away? 

Have you ever had your mind so full of different stuff that you just want to go away? 

Well, I've been there a couple of times. I'm in that phase right now.

So a few days ago I arrived an hour earlier to my class, the classroom would be empty until class time... I was there, alone. So I tried something.

I sat, put my feet up in the other chair, lay back, put my headphones, put my music all the way up... And closed my eyes.

I started to hear songs differently, beats I didn't hear before, words I didn't hear before, sounds I didn't notice before, and all that, even in the songs that I hear everyday on my way home. 

It was just different.

It was like my brain decided to turn off, and while in sleeping mode, its only function was to hear the music. 

After a while, everything stopped existing. 

I felt like it was only me, over those two chairs. Over that small piece of floor. And then, emptiness.

Just, black. Nothing.

And it wasn't scary. No, it was... Relaxing. 

I was going away, and I liked it.

After that, my body started to feel lighter, like there was almost no gravity. 

And at that moment, you just don't think, you imagine. 

So what if, nothing actually exist.

What if all this is just our brain playing with us?

What if you're in a comma and this, any of this, exit outside your head?

People, what if we do live in a emptiness, and we, everyday, unconsciously, imagine everything. 

There are so many options. But wouldn't it be cool? 

To know that any of your problems, any of the people you hate, the food you hate, any of that is real outside your head. But so wouldn't be your friends, your family, your loved one.

Can we take someone to our emptiness? 

Or are we meant to imagine this because in our emptiness we shall be alone? 

Time is relative, you can imagine a whole lifetime in 5 minutes, so maybe life is just a dream, and every time we wake up, we wake up in a different life, and it's just a pre-made life so we wake up and our brain creates the memories of a lifetime?

If life is a dream, then I like mine right now. 

And if we have different lives, if we will keep on imagining and creating lives to escape from our emptiness, can I have you in all of them?

To you, Patrick

I want to make an open letter, yet, just two people will know who is it for. 

And one of them is me.

I'll make an open letter because I'm bad on telling things, more if it is about my feelings.

But you already know this, oh you know me so well.

So this is for you.

The guy who stopped me on my way to the airport and told me, "you don't understand, I love you" when I told him: "it's okay, it'll only be a year".

You didn't know, but your words that day changed me forever.

And for all those out there who say love is something that can't be seen; you're wrong.

I saw it on his eyes that day.

You just have to know where and how to see.

Your look, made me regret everything I was doing and everything I did NOT do with you.

It made me wish we did a little more, we talked a little more, we hugged a little more.

I didn't know how love looked like until that day. And yet, I took that flight.

And, you guessed well, when I came back, it was too late.

And for that, and more, I am truly sorry. 

It was cute, I must confess, to see you again when I arrived. 

I was sitting on that coffee shop, with my look lost, and oh, I was so happy to have you in front of me again. Yet, it felt weird.

It felt like a closure.

A closure that nor me or you decided. Or expected... 

You didn't understand much about my life at that very moment, and I didn't understand much yours either.

But honestly, I was so focused on those blueish gray eyes of yours, those that got me crazy when I met you. But not as crazy as when I saw you smile for something I did for the first time. 

I quietly listened to you, "he's happy" I thought, "he's so happy" and I felt relief.

At the end, that's what I wanted for you, that happiness that I couldn't, and still can't, give you.

After those words one year ago, after I took that flight... I had 15 hours to think, and those hours gave me a decision. A difficult one. 

"I'll forget about everyone for a year"

I promised...

I needed to get my goals clear.

And it was hard sometimes, but you must know, darling, I never gave up on you. 

I checked on you, to see how you were doing, to see if your smile meant true happiness... 

Yet, I know how unfair I was, daring to disappear one year without saying anything.

And I'm truly sorry, for all the messages I ignored, and for all those that I didn't send. 

For the calls I didn't make. 

For the explanations I didn't give.

This is for you, the guy who enjoyed being my Patrick when I wanted to be spongebob. 

I owe you an infinite thank you.

That "20" on my cake.

Oh I was so happy when I saw that "20" on my birthday cake.

I thought "finally, I made it out of my teenage, everything will be easier now"

How wrong I was.

That "20" was like a declaration of war between destiny and me.

And that day, I said: "I won't desperate, I won't search, I'll take what destiny brings me"

But I never imagined destiny would bring me all together.

I planned to handle it one by one... Adventure by adventure...

Decision after decision...

But this is war.

It's so many things going on that my brain stopped working.

My eyes don't have tears anymore.

My ears don't want to listen.

My body just want to sleep... All day, everyday... For a while...

And there are people out there who understand you, no matter how complicated or weird you're situation is, somebody else out there is living the same. And they you find them, and it's the oasis on your eternal desert.

But I have two paths, and I'm walking in the middle, and I know, there will be a point when the paths will get distance, and I'll have to choose. 

But how to know which one?

It's like one is going to paradise, but it's a forbidden and unknown paradise, so you've heard it is but you're not sure. And if you go you can't go back.

And the other one. Keeps going on the places you know, and it may be paradise, but never as beautiful as you imagine the other one.

So what would you choose?

How can you be sure about which one will have happiness in the end?

And honestly I'm starting to think that "happiness" thing is just a fuel to make us keep going, to make us keep moving, all in different direction, but it doesn't matter because in the end, nobody knows what exactly is that they're looking for. 

So the first path is experience, someone that has lived what I'm living, and understand.

And the second one, would be someone that doesn't really understands, but cares for you, and listens to you. 

It's just that sometimes, not even I can handle myself, but I expect that someone does. 

And that's wrong.

But I have nothing to say to defend myself, it just happens. 

And I just don't know me anymore.

But I can tell you this...

When I saw that "20" on my cake. This is not what I expected. It was a trap. 

It was a war. Declared by destiny with a smile. With a cruel joy.

Finding myself.

Stop the world for a weekend.

I'm laying down, I can feel the sand, it's hot and soft... I can see the sun burning my skin, the clouds, I love seeing the clouds.

Hearing the waves, one after another, smelling the salty air.
And think, that would be the right moment to clear your mind, let it blank, but I can't manage to stop thinking.
I think about love, because I would like to have a loved one here right now.
I think about friendship because, oh those beach parties are better with friends.
And I think about you. Because I don't know how to name you.
I do not love you. I never did, and I'm almost sure I never will.
But you did your job, you wanted to shake my world, and right now you're an earthquake, you made it stop working.

Why the air is so salty?
Why is that guy not noticing he's all burned?
Why is my phone so hot?
Why am I hungry?
Why you're not here?
Why am I thinking about you?
You see, I know all the answers, but some of them I just don't want to accept them.
Like, why you didn't say sorry?
Because you don't care, that's why. But why do I care?
Oh, that one I don't know.
I'm feeling, I don't know what to do with it. What can I do with all this that I'm feeling? Should I ignore it? Should I keep going with it? But I can't do that one, because that call of yesterday night, because of those words that came out of your lips, those lips that kissed my forehead once, those lips that said: don't worry. I won't let you down. And then you pushed me. And can I blame you? No. Of course not. I should not have feelings, right?
But then it comes who tells you that is okay to have feelings and it's okay to have pain, and it's okay to love. Because love is not pain. And because pain is just knowledge.

There will come the day in which that call on a Friday night, those words, those sentences full of pain, those breaths so you wouldn't notice my cry, those "why" in my head, and the "we should end this" that you said.
"We should", "we", we who? Because I didn't think I should have end it.
"I want to end this" would have been more accurate.
But who understands a person when the one trying to understand is dreaming with something totally different to reality?
Oh, no, I don't miss you, I stopped missing you when I realized that it was not time the problem, but your will to see me. That was none.
When there's a will there's a way, Avicii said in one of his songs, that song I love, that song I heard, right after I met you. Right after I thought I had control of the situation.
Oh how wrong I was.

What about after?

Hello readers!

It's been a while I don't write, well, I've been a little bit busy living.

Well, my year in Taiwan finished. I cried, I hugged, I kissed, I said too many "goodbyes" and more "I miss you"'s.

I got confused.

So it's officially one month since I left Taiwan, so I thought that deserves a post.

I arrived to the Caribbean and I decided I want different things to happen. I am tired of my monotony life here.

So I'll tell you a few things I've done since  I got here.

Well, as the beginning of the change, I started with the most important, I went out with my mom, I took lots of pictures with her, I told her I love her, and I tell her everyday now. I thank her for every little thing she does. And that smile of her makes my day every time.

I started to stand up from my bed, open the window and watch the sunrise, which I never noticed before, it's really beautiful, judge yourself.

I also started to admire everything while on the road, the way that the sun goes behind the mountains, the happy people on the road, the sun, the air, I open my car windows more. And I enjoy the drive more.

I decided to stay here, home, I decided to learn how everything works here at the restaurant, I got to learn the work hours of everyone, I got to meet the workers, I enjoyed the time of sitting in the kitchen, talking to them, see how every food is made, and just forget about everything.

I don't care anymore about having internet on my phone, or battery. 

I understood that whoever is really interested will call again if you don't pick up.

I drove.

I drove a lot, but to different places. And I discovered places. Like this.

And I learnt to disappear. To just go, and then realize there's no phone signal, and to not care about it. 

While doing that, I ended up here.

I learnt that time is about priorities, and that every person is total owner of their time, and simply that some people just choose to have some beers than to help a friend, and that's okay.

I said sorry way too many times. I hugged, I saw people, people I have long time no see, I texted people, people that have always been there and I was too busy to realize.

I met people, in the most crazy ways.

I said no. I stood up for something I want. Even if that meant to disappoint people, and that felt great. And I understood, you can't make everybody happy, you'll always disappoint someone.

I learnt to try. 

To keep trying, and that to fail, will always be better than doing nothing. When you do nothing, you fail by default.

 

Who decides?

Well, today's a difficult thing for me to write.

If you follow my posts you'll know I once wrote about a boy, one who disappointed me in a awful way in which my "friend" was involved.

Anyways, already a couple of years after that, and I'm over it, but who really decides if I'm over it?

Apparently my brain's not really over it due to the fact that last night he was the main-character of my dream.

And I must admit it was not a bad dream, yet, it was not good.

It was really realistic.

It felt really realistic.

So in this dream, I went to this event or so, it was so crowded... And there it was.

My eyes got him almost automatically, I couldn't believe it was him.

I wished we didn't make eye contact but we did. We came right to me.

"Hello" he said.

Exactly with the same tone and voice that I remember he has.

I stared at him.

"How could you..." I replied.

Of course his best answer was to suggest we should talk.

"Let's talk it off" I imagine he was more willing to say. But he likes to maintain his rightness.

"Well, I already cried it off" I thought.

Next thing I know is that we were sitting on the floor with a cup of champagne each, just talking about everything but what happened.

Talking like nothing has change at all.

And then she arrives, and that look.

We made eye contact and her look, almost made me feel as she was sorry for what happened.

Well, I am sorry, they gave me a lot of happiness back then. But shit happens, right?

No words between me and her, and then I woke up.

So can somebody, please, tell me what kind of sign is this?

Because it was such a realistic scenario. I am almost sure that if those are the circumstances of our next meet, it would happen right like that.

And is that bad?

Well, there's a lot of things I can't tell.

What I do can tell is that I got over it long time ago.

But as I can see, my mind is not really over I think. Somehow, there's no feelings involved. It was just and purely, words. 

Feelings affair.

I am assigned to write an essay for my Chinese class, and between the topics I found this one particularly interesting, 「感情的事」which means "feelings".

And maybe I found it interesting because I don't know what to say about it, and who knows anyways?

I mean, what is a feeling? Who decide whether you're feeling or not? Who decide what are you feeling?

Who named them?

I mean if we have to describe we would just say that what we call 'love' is just the excessive release of dopamine in our brains.

And what we call 'happiness' can be manipulate as easy as just wearing a shirt which color we don't like.

And 'like' would be just something we find cute, physically cute or maybe mentally cute.

So how can somebody ask such a thing like to express in 400 Chinese characters what is my opinion about feelings.

It is a delicated topic, extremely relative. You could agree with what I say just as easy as I could fail because the teacher simply doesn't follow my ideals.

I believe some people are more capable of expressing feelings into words than others simply because some people can spot the separating line between every feeling.

I'm not a champion on that matter if I must confess.

I think some people have like a room where every feeling has it own box and you can not open one box without all the others being closed, so they know exactly what box is open and they know what it is in it.

Other people, like me, just have one big box in which they take the first thing they can grab and sometimes it's all mixed.

Have you ever wonder why do we feel? Or what if every people feels different stuff and the human race just named the ideas that sound similar?

What if 'love' is simply and just monotony? Getting used to something at a level that you feel you just can't live without that?

I'm sure no people in this world can die for love, but I am also sure that there's a part in every one of us that will make us unable to live if we ever lose that one thing that we love.

Life is so full of different things. 

And the people who live, those lives are full of feelings. And even the simplest thing will cause an unique, special chemical reaction on their brains.

And then, the people who are just alive, those just watch their days pass, feeling nothing about nothing and enjoying their emptiness.