To you, Patrick

I want to make an open letter, yet, just two people will know who is it for. 

And one of them is me.

I'll make an open letter because I'm bad on telling things, more if it is about my feelings.

But you already know this, oh you know me so well.

So this is for you.

The guy who stopped me on my way to the airport and told me, "you don't understand, I love you" when I told him: "it's okay, it'll only be a year".

You didn't know, but your words that day changed me forever.

And for all those out there who say love is something that can't be seen; you're wrong.

I saw it on his eyes that day.

You just have to know where and how to see.

Your look, made me regret everything I was doing and everything I did NOT do with you.

It made me wish we did a little more, we talked a little more, we hugged a little more.

I didn't know how love looked like until that day. And yet, I took that flight.

And, you guessed well, when I came back, it was too late.

And for that, and more, I am truly sorry. 

It was cute, I must confess, to see you again when I arrived. 

I was sitting on that coffee shop, with my look lost, and oh, I was so happy to have you in front of me again. Yet, it felt weird.

It felt like a closure.

A closure that nor me or you decided. Or expected... 

You didn't understand much about my life at that very moment, and I didn't understand much yours either.

But honestly, I was so focused on those blueish gray eyes of yours, those that got me crazy when I met you. But not as crazy as when I saw you smile for something I did for the first time. 

I quietly listened to you, "he's happy" I thought, "he's so happy" and I felt relief.

At the end, that's what I wanted for you, that happiness that I couldn't, and still can't, give you.

After those words one year ago, after I took that flight... I had 15 hours to think, and those hours gave me a decision. A difficult one. 

"I'll forget about everyone for a year"

I promised...

I needed to get my goals clear.

And it was hard sometimes, but you must know, darling, I never gave up on you. 

I checked on you, to see how you were doing, to see if your smile meant true happiness... 

Yet, I know how unfair I was, daring to disappear one year without saying anything.

And I'm truly sorry, for all the messages I ignored, and for all those that I didn't send. 

For the calls I didn't make. 

For the explanations I didn't give.

This is for you, the guy who enjoyed being my Patrick when I wanted to be spongebob. 

I owe you an infinite thank you.

That "20" on my cake.

Oh I was so happy when I saw that "20" on my birthday cake.

I thought "finally, I made it out of my teenage, everything will be easier now"

How wrong I was.

That "20" was like a declaration of war between destiny and me.

And that day, I said: "I won't desperate, I won't search, I'll take what destiny brings me"

But I never imagined destiny would bring me all together.

I planned to handle it one by one... Adventure by adventure...

Decision after decision...

But this is war.

It's so many things going on that my brain stopped working.

My eyes don't have tears anymore.

My ears don't want to listen.

My body just want to sleep... All day, everyday... For a while...

And there are people out there who understand you, no matter how complicated or weird you're situation is, somebody else out there is living the same. And they you find them, and it's the oasis on your eternal desert.

But I have two paths, and I'm walking in the middle, and I know, there will be a point when the paths will get distance, and I'll have to choose. 

But how to know which one?

It's like one is going to paradise, but it's a forbidden and unknown paradise, so you've heard it is but you're not sure. And if you go you can't go back.

And the other one. Keeps going on the places you know, and it may be paradise, but never as beautiful as you imagine the other one.

So what would you choose?

How can you be sure about which one will have happiness in the end?

And honestly I'm starting to think that "happiness" thing is just a fuel to make us keep going, to make us keep moving, all in different direction, but it doesn't matter because in the end, nobody knows what exactly is that they're looking for. 

So the first path is experience, someone that has lived what I'm living, and understand.

And the second one, would be someone that doesn't really understands, but cares for you, and listens to you. 

It's just that sometimes, not even I can handle myself, but I expect that someone does. 

And that's wrong.

But I have nothing to say to defend myself, it just happens. 

And I just don't know me anymore.

But I can tell you this...

When I saw that "20" on my cake. This is not what I expected. It was a trap. 

It was a war. Declared by destiny with a smile. With a cruel joy.

Finding myself.

Stop the world for a weekend.

I'm laying down, I can feel the sand, it's hot and soft... I can see the sun burning my skin, the clouds, I love seeing the clouds.

Hearing the waves, one after another, smelling the salty air.
And think, that would be the right moment to clear your mind, let it blank, but I can't manage to stop thinking.
I think about love, because I would like to have a loved one here right now.
I think about friendship because, oh those beach parties are better with friends.
And I think about you. Because I don't know how to name you.
I do not love you. I never did, and I'm almost sure I never will.
But you did your job, you wanted to shake my world, and right now you're an earthquake, you made it stop working.

Why the air is so salty?
Why is that guy not noticing he's all burned?
Why is my phone so hot?
Why am I hungry?
Why you're not here?
Why am I thinking about you?
You see, I know all the answers, but some of them I just don't want to accept them.
Like, why you didn't say sorry?
Because you don't care, that's why. But why do I care?
Oh, that one I don't know.
I'm feeling, I don't know what to do with it. What can I do with all this that I'm feeling? Should I ignore it? Should I keep going with it? But I can't do that one, because that call of yesterday night, because of those words that came out of your lips, those lips that kissed my forehead once, those lips that said: don't worry. I won't let you down. And then you pushed me. And can I blame you? No. Of course not. I should not have feelings, right?
But then it comes who tells you that is okay to have feelings and it's okay to have pain, and it's okay to love. Because love is not pain. And because pain is just knowledge.

There will come the day in which that call on a Friday night, those words, those sentences full of pain, those breaths so you wouldn't notice my cry, those "why" in my head, and the "we should end this" that you said.
"We should", "we", we who? Because I didn't think I should have end it.
"I want to end this" would have been more accurate.
But who understands a person when the one trying to understand is dreaming with something totally different to reality?
Oh, no, I don't miss you, I stopped missing you when I realized that it was not time the problem, but your will to see me. That was none.
When there's a will there's a way, Avicii said in one of his songs, that song I love, that song I heard, right after I met you. Right after I thought I had control of the situation.
Oh how wrong I was.

What about after?

Hello readers!

It's been a while I don't write, well, I've been a little bit busy living.

Well, my year in Taiwan finished. I cried, I hugged, I kissed, I said too many "goodbyes" and more "I miss you"'s.

I got confused.

So it's officially one month since I left Taiwan, so I thought that deserves a post.

I arrived to the Caribbean and I decided I want different things to happen. I am tired of my monotony life here.

So I'll tell you a few things I've done since  I got here.

Well, as the beginning of the change, I started with the most important, I went out with my mom, I took lots of pictures with her, I told her I love her, and I tell her everyday now. I thank her for every little thing she does. And that smile of her makes my day every time.

I started to stand up from my bed, open the window and watch the sunrise, which I never noticed before, it's really beautiful, judge yourself.

I also started to admire everything while on the road, the way that the sun goes behind the mountains, the happy people on the road, the sun, the air, I open my car windows more. And I enjoy the drive more.

I decided to stay here, home, I decided to learn how everything works here at the restaurant, I got to learn the work hours of everyone, I got to meet the workers, I enjoyed the time of sitting in the kitchen, talking to them, see how every food is made, and just forget about everything.

I don't care anymore about having internet on my phone, or battery. 

I understood that whoever is really interested will call again if you don't pick up.

I drove.

I drove a lot, but to different places. And I discovered places. Like this.

And I learnt to disappear. To just go, and then realize there's no phone signal, and to not care about it. 

While doing that, I ended up here.

I learnt that time is about priorities, and that every person is total owner of their time, and simply that some people just choose to have some beers than to help a friend, and that's okay.

I said sorry way too many times. I hugged, I saw people, people I have long time no see, I texted people, people that have always been there and I was too busy to realize.

I met people, in the most crazy ways.

I said no. I stood up for something I want. Even if that meant to disappoint people, and that felt great. And I understood, you can't make everybody happy, you'll always disappoint someone.

I learnt to try. 

To keep trying, and that to fail, will always be better than doing nothing. When you do nothing, you fail by default.

 

Who decides?

Well, today's a difficult thing for me to write.

If you follow my posts you'll know I once wrote about a boy, one who disappointed me in a awful way in which my "friend" was involved.

Anyways, already a couple of years after that, and I'm over it, but who really decides if I'm over it?

Apparently my brain's not really over it due to the fact that last night he was the main-character of my dream.

And I must admit it was not a bad dream, yet, it was not good.

It was really realistic.

It felt really realistic.

So in this dream, I went to this event or so, it was so crowded... And there it was.

My eyes got him almost automatically, I couldn't believe it was him.

I wished we didn't make eye contact but we did. We came right to me.

"Hello" he said.

Exactly with the same tone and voice that I remember he has.

I stared at him.

"How could you..." I replied.

Of course his best answer was to suggest we should talk.

"Let's talk it off" I imagine he was more willing to say. But he likes to maintain his rightness.

"Well, I already cried it off" I thought.

Next thing I know is that we were sitting on the floor with a cup of champagne each, just talking about everything but what happened.

Talking like nothing has change at all.

And then she arrives, and that look.

We made eye contact and her look, almost made me feel as she was sorry for what happened.

Well, I am sorry, they gave me a lot of happiness back then. But shit happens, right?

No words between me and her, and then I woke up.

So can somebody, please, tell me what kind of sign is this?

Because it was such a realistic scenario. I am almost sure that if those are the circumstances of our next meet, it would happen right like that.

And is that bad?

Well, there's a lot of things I can't tell.

What I do can tell is that I got over it long time ago.

But as I can see, my mind is not really over I think. Somehow, there's no feelings involved. It was just and purely, words. 

Feelings affair.

I am assigned to write an essay for my Chinese class, and between the topics I found this one particularly interesting, 「感情的事」which means "feelings".

And maybe I found it interesting because I don't know what to say about it, and who knows anyways?

I mean, what is a feeling? Who decide whether you're feeling or not? Who decide what are you feeling?

Who named them?

I mean if we have to describe we would just say that what we call 'love' is just the excessive release of dopamine in our brains.

And what we call 'happiness' can be manipulate as easy as just wearing a shirt which color we don't like.

And 'like' would be just something we find cute, physically cute or maybe mentally cute.

So how can somebody ask such a thing like to express in 400 Chinese characters what is my opinion about feelings.

It is a delicated topic, extremely relative. You could agree with what I say just as easy as I could fail because the teacher simply doesn't follow my ideals.

I believe some people are more capable of expressing feelings into words than others simply because some people can spot the separating line between every feeling.

I'm not a champion on that matter if I must confess.

I think some people have like a room where every feeling has it own box and you can not open one box without all the others being closed, so they know exactly what box is open and they know what it is in it.

Other people, like me, just have one big box in which they take the first thing they can grab and sometimes it's all mixed.

Have you ever wonder why do we feel? Or what if every people feels different stuff and the human race just named the ideas that sound similar?

What if 'love' is simply and just monotony? Getting used to something at a level that you feel you just can't live without that?

I'm sure no people in this world can die for love, but I am also sure that there's a part in every one of us that will make us unable to live if we ever lose that one thing that we love.

Life is so full of different things. 

And the people who live, those lives are full of feelings. And even the simplest thing will cause an unique, special chemical reaction on their brains.

And then, the people who are just alive, those just watch their days pass, feeling nothing about nothing and enjoying their emptiness.

What about that second?

"Life moves very fast.

It rushes from Heaven to Hell in a matter of 

seconds."

- Paulo Coelho

Have you ever wonder why or what happens to -that- second?
the second when your life changes.
you have seconds like that everyday and maybe you don't even realize.

you know like that moment when you are late for something and you are already out you realize you forgot something, so here's my theory, what if life changes are not about either you go back or not, but about that second in which you stop everything you're doing just to decide to back or not to go back.
at the end, it doesn't matter, but that second, just changed your life in so many ways.
because of that second, the traffic light would be green when you arrive and you won't have to wait, or maybe you crashed into that person who will change your life, or maybe you will avoid a car accident, all of that can change for one second.

or when you are taking a shower and you spend one second to pick the soap that just feel on the floor. so you go out, you get ready, you look out the window and you see it's raining, but maybe one second ago it wasn't and you would have gone out without umbrella. and then you would have gone back to pick your umbrella, or maybe not, and there goes another second.

and just like that, your life change every single day with every little detail.
but maybe it's just coincidence, you could think, well, you see, I don't really believe in that, I think coincidence is just another thing that the human beings invented to blame on the things they don't know or can't explain.
like life.

but you see, I'm just a 20 years old girl, and that's just a theory of mine.
but what if, maybe, that night when those bad men irrupted my house I had look for one more second to the back yard, maybe, and I say just maybe, I would have seen them.

Life changes a lot in just one second.
and you know, that's what I love about pictures, the capture and freeze that second of your life, impossible to reproduce, but yet, impossible to change.

I said no. Again.

Sometimes it gets really difficult to say no.

Specially something you do want, but you know it's wrong.

So it becomes a war between your heart and you mind.

And at that moment, you wish you could love more rationally and think more emotionally.

But you can't.

You must decide, you must be sure, you can't stay gray forever. You have to go black, or you have to go white.

And in my case, saying "yes" was going black.

So I went white.

I wanted to go black, but the right and rational thing was to go white, so I went white, and I thought that was it, I thought I would just get over it. 

And even with this cold heart of mine I felt pain, I felt pain for not going for what I wanted. But pain made it easier to get over it.

Every time I felt weak, and my feelings were winning, I just started counting the tears. And then it was alright, I was more rational.

But what happens when you have to make that decision again?

When you don't know if life is giving you an oportunity or just proving you.

Well, I was there, hearing him talking, and I was thinking, I could say yes, I could be 'happy' again, and then I remembered I was not happy with him. 

But I still have something inside my heart for him. So, it was difficult, but I went white again.

And, it felt weird.

It felt like when you do the right thing but the right thing was not what you wanted, and it felt like that because it was exactly that.

But I was doing good, I was happy, I was enjoying my last times in this country, and then boom, he told me he had to talk to me, but did I want to?

Of course I was curious, but talking to him would be like I'm still interested of what he has to say, and I'm not. At all.

I don't care what he has to say, because he's just words, and I don't believe in words, because words mean nothing, and whatever he had to say, wouldn't make a difference on my decision.

I said no.

I told him that I don't want to talk to him, so why is he making it more difficult, why he kept talking to me?

That's not fair. But life's not fair.

And it's all consequences of my decision of being with him in the first place.

So I can't blame that on him.

So I guess it is fair.

You know what's the problem with being cold hearted? That when we get into something, we're really into that. But people don't know that, they just see us as emotionless people who like to have fun.

We do feel.

And when we feel, we truly feel.

We don't know anything about superficial emotions.

And we cry.

And we get sad.

And he made me sad.

And I love to write but I can't print my disappointment on my blog.

Everybody always judge cold people, that they're bitchy, that they don't feel, etc

But nobody really cares about why we are like this, and, if there is something to do to fix it.

Love can fix anything, right?

I like to believe that, and if it's a cruel lie of this world, then let me live deceived.

I declare myself not ready.

I am 20 years old,

And I am not ready to adult.

You know, when I was a kid, my vision for an adult, and I blame my parents for that, was just persons that were ready for everything.

They were adults, they were my parents, they were always ready, always organized, always on time, always charming....

They were never afraid, at least they never showed it.

They always knew what to say, how to dress, what color would look good on the new sofa...

I don't know shit man...

I had a hard time discovering what I want to study on the university, and I'm still not sure about that one.

I never know how to dress, and I call my mom for every little shit out of the normal.

I don't feel ready. Don't make an adult.

I mean, I'm scared of a lot of things.

Like, seriously, if a kid comes and tells me she/he is scared because she/he thinks something is under the bed, I'll probably run under the sheets with them and use a teddy bear as a protection.

I've made mistakes, and I have less regrets than I should.

I feel happy, oh well, I think.

I don't even know what happiness is anymore.

Sometimes you think you have a truly moment of happiness and then comes life to ruin your moment.

I'm not ready to drink coffee.

I'm not ready to sleep less. Hell no, I'm a panda and I'm happy like that.

I'm seriously not ready to cook for myself everyday. Or go to boring social events and pretend I like it.

I'm not even ready to tell that boy that I like him, and I don't even know what I feel anymore.

I can't understand myself lately.

I just feel I don't belong here anymore.

And by here I mean, Taiwan, or the world, or home, or, wait, what is home anyways?

Home... In any definition of "home" I'll have a lot of options. So let's say, where my mom is. 

I miss her... 

I think I'm going crazy.

This is not me here. I'm not "me" anymore and I don't even know who I was before.

Here I am no one and by no one I mean I can be everything.

Like whoever I want.

I hope you get my point.

It's difficult to explain, I don't really have a lot of people to talk to.

There's a lot of people I miss, there's a lot of people I'll miss, and there's a lot of people that I'll definitely not even think about after I'm gone.

So what's the point?

All this adult thing... I'm not ready for it.

I am scared.

I am scared of life.

Of my life.

Of what I choosed to be my life.

The last beginning

"A year in Taiwan"

Day 276 of 365.

You may think, what's so special about the number '276', well, there's nothing.

There's nothing special happening today.

Seriously.

But this day made me think a lot.

Actually, my thinking started on the day 274.

Okay, you must wonder why and I won't let you die of curiosity so this is it:

We finished book 3 of Chinese.

So we have 3 of 4 books done.

So we went on vacation, Cambodia and Thailand, both awesome countries.

But the day number 274, I had to come back to Taipei because my team had a really big competition and I couldn't miss it, I changed my flight to be here in Taipei that day and I only asked them to have the first place, and well, they didn't give me the proud of seeing them winning the first place, they, instead, give more, the won 3 first places.

And I'm so proud of them. Seriously, extremely proud.

And while I was there, watching a lot of teams fighting for the trophy, I was overthinking, as usual.

And I was wandering, thinking of the fact that I started classes the next day.

And it was not the thinking of "shit, tomorrow's Monday, I have to wake up early to go study Chinese"

Instead,

It was more like a "tomorrow I start the last book" kind of feeling.

And it was like a big free fall into reality.

It's the last one, the last fight, the last effort, the last beginning.

After this book, all this will be gone.

I will not have to go to Chinese class, I will not have a scholarship, my monthly money won't depend on my score, I won't live in a dorm...

I won't have a roommate...

I won't have all my friends in the same building...

I won't have cheerleading practice...

I won't see my cheerleader friends on the street...

I won't... I won't be a MARS cheerleader...

I won't be in Taiwan anymore....

The book 4 means a lot of things...

When this book finish, a lot of things will finish, a lot of things that will go all together to the land of memories.

So basically, the day 275, the first day of class, I was appreciating every single small detail of my daily life, trying to make it become a permanent memory.

The time for the traffic light to change...

The sound of people speaking Chinese...

The hot weather...

The smell of the foods...

I didn't think I could actually kind of appreciate a routine, yeah, I kind of feel like I'm going to miss some things of this daily routine thing.

But this is a period.

Which take us back to the day 276, today.

Well, basically, today I cleared my mind about it, organized my ideas, tried to organized my feelings but still don't have much so, yeah, I got to write this.

2 years ago, I was in Italy, in a similar situation, saying goodbye to a bunch of people that remained in my heart. And a sentence came out of my mouth:

"The sad thing about saying goodbye to some people here is that I am really going to miss them but it is so impossible that i go to Asia"

And yet here I am, living my 'eating with chopsticks' life, and I have met a few of them, and it feels awesome! 

So who knows, life's strange.

I don't know when I could come back here, but for now, I just want to enjoy my last months, to have a bunch of pictures, a bunch of stories, a bunch of memories, and a lot of "aww, I'm gonna miss this"

Why?

Why should I stay?

If I could make a list about the words I hate, "why" would be on it.

It would be probably on the top 5.

I mean, can somebody explain me the reason of having a explanation for everything?

I do not have a explanation for everything and yet, I do not want to have it.

I think we owe nobody an explanation.

I think people should do whatever they want without having to explain their reasons.

I think people don't even need to have reasons.

But also, I overthink.

Yeah, I think too much.

Because no matter what my opinion is, and how much I hate giving explanations, I was born in a world where everything needs to be explained.

Even the things we are not able to.

Most of the human beings can't accept the idea of something happening that they can't explain.

Love is the perfect example for that.

People is constantly looking an explanation for love, a reason, a formula...

And yet, love is just something you feel.

Most of the people either think they have an explanation for love, and if not, they decide not to believe in it.

I, instead, love the idea of feeling, seeing, hearing things I can't explain. 

I think there's something magical on those things, they make you feel alive because they put your abilities to the maximum.

Like when you have a tattoo, everybody asks what does it means or why you made it.

Maybe I don't have a reason, or maybe I do, and I just don't want to tell anyone. 

It's just a piece of art, look at it, appreciate it, don't intend to understand it.

If I must continue, I think the most difficult part about ending a relationship is the question "why?"

"Why you go?"

"Why you did this?"

"Why you don't love me?"

"Why you don't try?"

"Why are we ending?"

You see... Why if I just feel like it?

Why do I go? Maybe I just don't have reasons to stay anymore. Maybe I lost the 'thing'.

How is the human race capable of taking the non-given right to question the feelings of another person.

How if you yourself are not able to understand it?

I don't like people questioning why do I go when they are not giving me reasons to stay. 

And no reasons to stay is a good big reason to go for me.

I yet don't like people questioning why I gave up when I spent time trying so hard... Alone.

I hate the word "why" and yet I love it.

Because when you directly ask someone something using that word, you're putting them to their limits.

You're seeing a true part of theirselves.

Like when you ask your friend "why didn't you text me?"

And they answer: "I didn't have time"

And you realize that all the times you took minutes of your day for that person are not worth it anymore.

I think is a powerful word and I think humans are overrating it. 

But I repeat, you should not follow my believes because I overthink too much. 

But consider again before using the word "why", you may get an unexpected answer. If you use the word, you must be ready for everything. 

The frog I kissed is not the prince for me.

He is a prince, just not MY prince.

I don't hate him, even if I wasted time with him, and I hate wasting time.

When you waste time with the right people, is not wasted at all, but this time it is.

And I was happy, don't take me wrong. I had my happy moments as a result of what he did. But most of them, we're not very happy.

I know I am not the most romantic person in the world, or the more open feelings one. But I tried.

I gave a lot of love and attention, maybe too much, maybe that was problem. I put him over everything. He didn't realized that.

I don't blame him, I also don't realize a lot of things. Like everything he said he did. 

Maybe was one day, maybe was everything he did, or maybe was just my craziness, but that something made me feel tired.

I do feel love for him. But I don't feel that special little thing when I talk to him anymore, I am not excited to see him and that's maybe because we never did anything exciting.

I just don't feel like it anymore, and I could be a whole month just thinking about reasons and I wouldn't find them.

I could try again. Yes.

But is it wrong to say that I just don't want to?

I don't want to go back to the same things, the same days passing over... 

There's just something that tells me that if I try, if go into that again... He won't try hard enough.

Love is a two side thing.

I'm tired of trying alone for something he's the only one that is going to gain something for.

Something like happiness. Something like comfort. Something like the knowing that someone is there for whatever you want. For you.

Maybe that's why I don't want to try again.

And maybe because I don't like to try again.

I've always hated seconds.

Saying things twice, hearing things twice, doing things twice.

I just don't find interest on the same thing a second time.

I don't like hearing a song a lot of times, I can't stand watching the same movie for a second time, and I do not like second chances.

If you make the first chance worth, what do you want a second chance for?

If you can't give the first one importance, then for me, you're not worth the second.

Maybe I'm mean, yes, I got tell that often, but less than I should.

But that's me, I can't change it.

And yes he is a prince, he is a good man, he do a lot of good stuff, but he is not my prince. For me? He is still a frog.

And I think he is still not sure about how his princess should be.

Because I think the first thing his princess should is pantient and monotony-liker, and well, I'm totally the opposite of that.

And I am sorry, for not being the princess for him.

But between his beautiful smile and mine, I choose mine.

And between keeping myself as I am and being the princess he needs, I choose me.

I'll give myself a chance.

I don't look back, but...

I'm not the kind of person who turns back, and I think that's good because he's not the kind of person who miss.

I thought it was some kind of weird love, but yeah, I was just an stupid teenager, well, I must correct myself and say I'm stupid.

I can't blame the age because I still can't find anything that would have made me realize what was happening.

I never saw that coming, it took me as a surprise, a big and hurtful surprise.

And we must consider the fact that I also tend to trust too much. I am good with the people, and for that, I expect people to be good to me, but that is not a certain truth.

I surely blame her more than I blame him. And I'll explain you why...

She knew. 

Excluding the fact that I yet can't believe it was her to tell me and not him.

But since the beginning, he just let things happen, so I was also responsable for everything. But she, she was just there making things happen, if it was not for her, I wouldn't have any story with him right now.

You know what was the biggest problem?

Everything was perfect, it was all like those girly Italian movies, with this sexy romantic boy.

I had no excuse to forget him when that surprise came to me.

I trust on her like I've never trust before, she was an awesome friend, almost every story I have of that awesome year of my life are with them, so after the surprise, I remained with almost nothing.

It was such a beautiful day, I was driving to pick up my grandmother's birthday cake when she told me: "I need to talk to you"

I trust her in such a level that nothing bad pass thru my mind. 

I parked, paid the cake, and stayed in the car, I answered the Skype call and I immediately realized something was so wrong.

She had this face, looks like the face you put when make a prank in school and the teacher catch you. It's that face of "shit!"

So I asked her: "Is there something wrong?"

She said: "me and him, we are together"

She said a lot of things after that but I swear, I didn't listen.

My brain was not able to work at that moment, at that moment I understood the expression "heartbroken" because I literally fell pieces of my heart falling down.

We talked a lot after that, I said it was okay, and we can still be friends.

It took me two weeks to stop crying and go out of my room.

That was one year ago, and yet, it still hurts.

I don't like to go back, but this, this remains with me, this pain.

The unsaid.

If you knew this would be your last day, who would you call, and what would you say? 

You would say a lot of things, I bet.

But, why don't you do it now? 

Why don't you call that person and say everything you feel?

Why are you counting on something so unpredictable like a tomorrow?

Well, let me tell you, if I could choose, my last words would be to my mother, that super woman that bring me to this world 19 years ago, but most important, that super woman who was by my side in every step of my life, even if, most of those years, I didn't notice her.

Because now I realize, she knows more about me than I know about her.

She did more for me, than I did for her.

And that's so totally unfair.

My whole life I tried to make her proud, and I felt like nothing was good enough; but I was just looking in the wrong direction.

She was proud. In the end, she just want me to be happy.

I was trying to make her happy and proud everyday, not realizing the true happiness in her eyes when I smile.

I would like to have the courage to call her randomly and say: "I just called to tell you i love you"

I try, almost everyday, but I fail, I end up telling her stupid stories about my life.

My life has been easier since I made the decision of telling her every minute about my day. She knows everything about me and I think she doesn't even realize it.

I would tell her I love her, I love her so much I would give my life for her. I love the way she tells me things, I love the way she smiles, I love the way she jokes, the way she randomly decides to go traveling, I love everything about her. 

And I hate the wall I made between us all my life.

And I am trying so hard to put it down. To destroy it. And take out every possibility of making a new one in the future.

I would tell her I'm sorry, because I am so sorry for so many things, I am sorry for every single second she was not completely happy and proud of me.

I know I could have done better, way better. She deserves the best. And more.

I lived waiting for the day I could hear her saying: "I am proud of you"

But that's wrong, just knowing she is happy, just knowing her mind is quiet and in peace, that's just enough for me. That feeling is the one that makes it all worth it. 

The way she hugs me giving me her soul, trying so hard to letting me go and not making me realize that she is loosing a part of her.

I miss her, I think about her alway.

I think what would she say or do if she was watching what I do. 

I would her to hear me speaking Chinese, I would love to see her face watching me doing a cheerleading presentation. Her face full of panic, praying that I don't fall.

She makes me feel needed, loved.

But she will see. I was try to make her see everything, even if she doesn't want. When I show her things about my life I take her eyes as an approval or a rejection.

And when I see the approval look, that completely enough for me.

I would like to give her flowers everyday because I know how much she likes them, I will give her flowers everyday. 

I'll buy her those expensive chocolates that she loves on special dates. I sit and drink beer with her in those hot days, even if I hate beer.

I'll go out with her more often. Because she deserves my best years. She deserves my time.

I'll do so many things from now on, because just now I realize she has been doing so many things for me.

The world keeps turning.

This place, this city, this country, this continent where you are right now, it's just a small part of a giant ball that we, simple humans, called earth.

And it turns and turns and turns... 

Some people tend to see the world smaller than it is. They think, or at least they dream, they can go anywhere and they want to go everywhere, just wanderlust.

Some people tend to see the world bigger than it is. They think it is so impossible to move, to travel, to discover, the think everything is so far.

And some people tend to not see the world at all, yes, believe or not, they're some people that actually ignore the world, for them, their comfort zone is the world, everything else outside, doesn't really matter.

Some people have distance between each other, some people are too close.

But is a giant ball, so the farther you go, the sooner you'll be together again it's just that you'll be in the other side of the ball.

Well, I have a life in three different sides of this ball and yeah, it is difficult but that open your mind a lot and make you realize how small the world actually is but at the same time, full of little things to discover. You'll never get tired of it.

I mean, life can have a lot of fun if we learn to live with curiosity.

I do not consider myself wanderlust, I love to travel, to discover, to experience new, different things but I need a place that I can call "home".

I need to once in a while think: I'm happy because I am home.

Or

I want to go home.

Being abroad is always difficult, I'm in the middle of the year that I have to spend here and there's a lot of reasons why I want to go but there's also a lot of things I don't want to leave.

People say that the one that stays is always the one that suffer the most, but who said the one that goes doesn't suffer?

The world won't stop, for any of us.

The clocks will keep tic-tac...

And my biggest fear is not making the best of every second. 

Imagine that every person has a notebook, imagine that just before sleep, every person wrote the things that made them happy in that day.

Now think about when you're angry, when you're bitchy, when you're sad, when you're busy, think about every moment that you didn't smile to others when you could, when you didn't say hi, or thanks.

Now what if, that smile that you didn't give, would have been the only thing written on the page of that person.

Life is simple, love is simple, happiness is simple.

We, as humans, like to complicate things.

Letter to the boy I'm falling in love with.

You.

You who appeared from nowhere and decided to, I would not say change my life because that would be mainstream, but you change my way of thinking, my way of expressing, you make me swallow all my "I would never"'s. 

And all that is awesome, it feels awesome at least.

But I would like to have more time, I would like to love you more.

I would like to explain you the fact that I'm not the kind of girl who get attached but in fact, I am a free soul extremely opposite to the idea of being catched.

But you, oh you, you change all that transforming me into a hopeless romantic waiting for your text every morning.

You have the power to change this free soul into something else.

Something that would be too difficult to explain but that can be resume into the fact that, I am getting used to you.

I am getting used to the randomness of our days together.

I'm getting used to your smile, to the way you look at me, the way you hold my hand, the way we joke... 

I'm getting used to the happiness that you trigger in me. 

Everything seems to fit, like two puzzle pieces, everything seems to flow, and for that reason, I do not feel weird when I get lost in you, because in you I can also find myself.

I need someone.

Everybody in this world is different. Everybody has different beliefs. And that is completely right.

But, have you ever wonder something:

Does your beliefs support your dreams?

Well, I am not able to answer that question myself.

Maybe because I am not sure about my beliefs either.

I am so lost and yet I am so sure about what I do not want that for me it seems senseless the fact of not knowing what I want.

This is everything a problem that comes along with overthinking. 

I am so lucky and yet I feel I need things, not material things, but heart filled things.

I need someone who loves me, for example.

I need someone who understands me, one that says: yeah, I feel the same way! And then I'll look like a freshman student looks the math teacher the first day of class. Surprisely realizing that that person understood what I poorly explained.

I need a soulmate, or maybe two.

That one soulmate who is destined to be your friend and that one who has different possibilities.

I need a robber, one who steal smiles from me every once in a while.

I need a friend.

I need an observer, the ones that ask you: "what's wrong?" When everything seems to be right, the "I'm not stupid, I know you're not right" kind of observer.

I need a stranger, and I need a smile from that stranger. 

I need someone who tells me "good morning, have a nice day" just because.

I need a dancer, because those find music in everything.

I need a genius, so he can then explain to me how my mind works.

I need love.

I need someone who says: "you know, I'm proud of you".

I need someone who supports my dreams. 

I need an honest look.

I need someone who believes that what I do, is good.

I need the sunshine.

I want to see the world, I want to know a lot of people, I want to understand because I saw myself and not because I was told to.

I need a goal.

And for that, I need less plans. I need to think less and focus on living.

A life changed with a single look.

What would you think if a random guy adds you on Facebook, you know his brother, he is cute, you accepted.

Now, he was the topic of our conversations the day after, it was simply a random new thing to talk about, I silently stalk his photos, and then I went to class and forgot about him.

After class, I was walking back home with a group of people, I was telling my best friend about him on our way, suddenly, it happened, I cannot explain why I looked inside that restaurant at that exact moment, but I did.

And he was there, standing, and we look each other in the eyes, and I swear, it was the longest look, everything was slow motioned, like if the time had stop to let us appreciate that moment, like the world froze, and we froze with it, but instead, we froze looking directly at each other's eyes.

After that, I just kept walking, I did not say anything.

It felt magical, "I need my time to understand this" I said to myself.

"What was that?" I thought.

Maybe just a random senseless look, just a prove that we got to match in time and place.

Whatever it was, it happened again.

Well, how to say, I've seen this guy kind of a lot... And, every time I look at him, every time my eyes get to match with his, it's like the very first time, that big coincidence when we didn't even talk ever.

Every time I am with him, it is just like the first time, we have kind of an eternal first date.

And I love that.

But I did not realized the feeling that was involved with that, until last week.

It was Saturday, I had practice the whole morning, and then, I went to his house, I was so tired, I spent the whole way in the metro reading a book trying not to sleep; and then we were just there at his house laying on the sofa talking about senseless stuff, suddenly he was doing something in his phone, and I immediately fell asleep, like a little child after dinner, I did not realized until I woke up, and he was there looking at me, hugging me, I sleep with the comfortable feeling of his arms, and I did not realized until I woke up.

I woke up saying: "shit, it's late, I should go home because we are going out later"

I took my phone, and there was a message, it was from him, I opened it and it was a picture of me sleeping in his arms with the phrase: "I like you"

My heart melt, it had become liquid, I did not say anything, I smiled, and I went.

Few days later, it was kind of the same thing, we were there talking, suddenly we both fell asleep at the same time I supposed, I kind of woke up, and he was the first thing I saw, the second was realizing the we slept holding hands, we didn't separated our hand while we were sleeping, I smiled, I did not care about the time, I slept again. 

"Overthinking is like my second name" cit.

So as you've seen how I wrote the tittle, that phrase wasn't said by me, which do not mean that I haven't say or think that before.

This, in fact, I saw it in the Facebook wall of a friend of mine, and was followed by a lot of interesting comments.

But I don't know why, this phrase inspire me to write.

I mean, yes, I feel accurate, and at the same time not.

I don't really believe in the zodiac, but I am geminis, and what I believe is that in those beliefs, I am a person with an inside war of two different persons inside one body.

I overthink a lot, pretty much everything that happens in my life. But at the same time, I hate to do that, it's pretty much as If I do it automatically.

So if you are an overthinking person, you will understand that you have those moments of: "hell, I don't know what to think".

And in my almost 20 years of life, I've learned that, maybe that is the problem, to think.

I am not saying you should not think the things but what is the point of thinking about something that has already happened, I mean, you cannot change it, you just hurt yourself trying to convince about a "what if" that would never be more than a "what if".

If you take a look, you will realize, it isn't what it should have been, it is not a "what if I...", it is not a "maybe if...".

It is what it is. And you cannot change that.

You can learn and use that to make your future better.

Also, overthinking problems, simple, don't. 

Problems pass away, you'll either find a solution or not. In any case, you'll have to wait.

Everyday I remind to myself: stop overthinking.

And it is as simple as I believe overthinking kills your happiness.

In the end, 99% of the things we worry are in our mind, it is worse what we think it is, or what we think it'll be, than what it is in reality.

What's your story?

If somebody tell you they want to make a book about your life, would it be good?

Would it be the kind of books you like to read?

Which section would it be placed on the library?

Would you be proud that people read it?

But, have you ever wonder, and I supposed no, what's the story of every person you get to see everyday?

I have a weird passion and a big curiosity about hearing every person's story.

Like if I have to travel alone, and it's a long way, I like to talk to the person next to me and just ask: "what's your story?"

I've heard some crazy things.

The guy who went out from home when he was a teenager and it's finally coming back, or the girl who's taking a long trip to see the guy she loves, also the friends who decided to have a big memory in common by traveling.

I've heard sad stories, like the people who travel because somebody is sick or dead.

Some happy ones, like the friends that live far and are finally meeting.

Or the people who are going to visit their parents. Maybe the people that work or study far away and are coming back for vacation.

Lot of things happen everyday, and most of us, don't notice.

Things change, people die, babies come to the world, people taking big steps, lot of things happen everyday, and still most of us are always worried about the future.

Future? What is future?

For me is just an idea that society has made us believe about some mysterious thing.

Future is something we don't own, we have no power over it, and no way to know anything about it, but in the end, most of us, we trust everything to the "future".

The future is an uncertain thing. It's insecure, I mean, I don't even know who told the human kind about the future that made this race be so sure about "tomorrow"

I mean, why are you so sure that you have a "tomorrow" to count on?

People stop appreciating today, waiting for tomorrow, and tomorrow, never arrives.

People stop putting attention to those small, amazing details that life has because they want to live fast, they want today to end, they want tomorrow.

But what if today is the best you have?

So do you want to make your story about a person who's waiting for tomorrow, or you want a story about a person who lived?

I see a lot of humans everyday, I see human beings that are alive, but I see just a few people that are living.

How to know if I'm strong.

So maybe when you read the tittle you think it's about something physical, but no, I think my muscles are okay by now, this is about my psychological strength, and is a serious topic.

At least for me it is.

6 months ago I thought: "1 year, I go to this country that I don't know anything about, I learn Chinese, finish, easy and fast".

I've never been so wrong in my life.

Now, first of all, you may think: "what were you thinking? It's Chinese, of course it's difficult"

But let me tell you, that's not my biggest problem.

Chinese is actually easier than I expect.

My problem it's a lot of small problems together that make a huge problem and chinese, in fact, it's the main problem, but not Chinese itself, but the way I learn it.

I am normally a happy girl, I'm always trying to look the positive way of everything, and now I can tell I'm in the kind of mood that I completely understand why there's so many crazy people in this world.

There's a war in my mind, a big one.

The solution is easy, a US$2,000 flight to Dominican Republic.

But, what about my friends? What about my cheerleading team? What about my grades? My goals? What about this guy that seems to be my spark of happiness here?

It is wrong to go like that, with incomplete stuff, it is right to go when my time to go comes.

But in the meanwhile, it's a hard time for me.

Some days, I just want to say: "fuck you" repeatedly, go to my room, take my passport, no bags, taki, airport, go home.

I swear my mind just refuse to accept the fact that I have my days scheduled, that I know exactly what I'm doing everyday, that everyday is the same, and that I can't do anything about it.

I swear I can't keep eating the same food, seeing the same people, doing the same stuff, walking the same street...

I feel I was born for more.

I have a dream to reach, goals to complete, people expecting things from me, but what if this is totally not what I want in my life?

I'm depressed.

And I swear, those reasons to keep going are more important, I'm doing everything to relax my mind.

I'm doing everything to make the days go faster.

179 days left... 

I can do it. Or at least I convince myself about that every morning when the alarm sounds and I open my eyes in the same small college room.

But you know what, one day this will be all worth it, and that's what makes me keep going.

Fighting with my dreams.

I'm a 19 years old girl, and I do have dreams.

What I've been most surprise of Taiwanese people is that they plan their lives, when you innocently ask them: "what do you want to do in the future?"

And they tell you every single minute since that moment until they die.

I'm not able to do that.

I just can't get used to the idea that I have a path, and I can't go out of that path.

I need a direction, that's al I need. A goal.

I know what I want in live, but I don't know what will happen in the way.

Like how could I ever imagined that I would be here in Taiwan? 

2 years ago I was in Italy saying: "non so, io non penso di andarci mai in Asia."

Which means: "I don't know, I don't think I'll ever go to Asia."

And yeah, let go a little bit recent so you can get my point better...

7 months ago I was graduating from high school surprisely sure about which university I wanted to go and what I wanted to study, and just then, I know that 2 months after that, I would be in the other side of the world.

And I thought: "I've done this before, it's gonna be easy, one year, it'll be finished, and I'll speak Chinese."

I was wrong.

Today, 6 months ago, I was in the Eva Air aircraft, and I must confess I didn't imagine it would have been so challenging.

Don't get me wrong, I don't regret it, it's an useful language, important, but so difficult to learn, take you a lot of time and effort, and the scorlarship I'm in doesn't help.

I do love Taiwan, it's an awesome country, the people is totally awesome, I love my Taiwanese friends and well, the food, yeah we can not talk about that now.

But seriously I feel I am in the right place, in the right time, but in the wrong situation.

Today was a bad day, and yeah, like everyday, it will pass.

I don't know where I'm gonna end up after this, but I'm sure, I'm a step closer to it, and that's enough for me.

Unspoken feelings.

I wish I could be that kind of girl.

You know, the ones who fall in love and most important, the ones who say it.

I've been told a lot of times that I think too much, I've lost important things in my life because of not saying what I feel.

Because I just can't say: I love you, I miss you, I need you...

I don't want to ruin it this time, I don't want to screw it up.

I wish I could tell him that I love the way he look at me and slowly put his hand on my face, I wish I could tell him that it makes me feel like I'm his biggest trophy, like I'm the luckiest girl. 

I wish I could tell him that I love when he takes my hand, that when he hugs me, I feel protected...

So many details about him, those little things, that I simply love.

I wish he knew how happy I am when he text me, like a teenager when her crush text her, I wish he knew that I admire him, that I love to listen to him, that I love his laugh, that I love when he smiles and kiss me...

And it's that, there's a special something that I feel when he says my name, it just sounds different, and his eyes, those are heaven.

I wish I tell him more often how special he is, so he could know how happy I am with him...

Add a little love to your travel and mix well.

Is it good to fall in love when you travel, knowing that is going to end?

I must be honest with you and tell you, this is not the first time I ask myself this question, and normally, after long time of not finding an answer for that, I get to the: "should I live, enjoy the moment and go for it, or should I just realize my truth, my time is limited, and I should avoid to suffer?"

well, If you have ever ask yourself these questions, or related ones, let me tell you something, If is to suffer that you are afraid of, you are going to suffer anyways, pain is part of our lives, and we gotta learn to live with it, But, pain is just and no more what we make of it.

I personally like to make it lessons.

Few days away from Valentine's Day, and because of my situation I decide to use my escape, yeah, this is it, to write. For me is like talking to somebody that understands you and at the same time not talking with anyone.

So, if you follow my blog, you should know, I'm in Taiwan, Far, far, far from my home country, I am 19 years old at the moment, and travel is my passion, but as some of you know, travel brings more than happiness sometimes, it can bring also pain.

The I love you and I don't want to leave you kind of pain, for example.

People say: "the one who stays is the one who suffer the most", that's bullshit, and the one who goes, also suffers a lot, I can assure you that.

Sometimes you get attached to people without even noticing, it started, you started to enjoy every day with them, you started to have memories, pictures, videos, and then, puff, reality strikes again, you got used to them, and now, you have no time left.

But, what happens with relationships? well, I've been told that long distance relationships doesn't work, and If they work, it's because they know when they're gonna be together again, they count the days, But let me tell you, Taiwan, specifically my roommate, proved me that all that is bullshit.

And about me?

well, there's no much to say, I'm trying to learn Chinese, and at the same time I take a break for my mind practicing cheerleading, I honestly don't know where would I be right now, If I wasn't in the cheer team, they are the loveliest people I've met, they simply make me happy.

And about love? well, that is an interesting topic if you are talking with me. Less than two years ago, I had a bad experience, of which I don't want to talk about, and after that I made the personal decision of not loving anymore until the "right" moment arrives.

But when is the right moment?

And what happens when destiny strikes again?

Okay, here I am, this is the story.

One day, I received a friend request on Facebook, I look at it, and the first thing I notice was that the last name was the same like a friend of mine here, so I accepted.

few days later, he wrote me a really interesting message, and well, we went on a date, it was awesome.

like when you feel you found your soulmate, everything is so clear, even if we don't speak the same language, yeah, he speaks portuguese and I speak spanish but we understand each other.

after that, we pretty much talked a lot, but I honestly didn't start thinking about a possibility of having someone, but the other night, oh! the other night, he came to visit me, he brought chocolates, and, when I asked, "why is this for?"

He just said: "just because"

that. was. awesome.

made me feel an incredible curiosity about his feelings, but then, after he went, one of our friends texted me and said she have to give me something and then she showed up with a beautiful and fluffy teddy bear that smelled a LOT like his perfume, I blushed like a little girl when somebody gives her exactly what she asks.

And this is the moment when I am here smelling and looking the teddy bear and making a flashback to the first question, Should I forget about the time and just live, or forget about him and remember that time is limited?